Manifesting Your Highest Creative Calling~

Many years ago, I heard the speaker Marianne Williamson talk about how, after she had a spiritual awakening, she wondered what she would do for a living. It hit her one day that she was not going to find God's calling for her in the help wanted ads of her local newspaper! She asked God what S/he wanted her to do and she got a clear message. Go speak. She did not know who would show up in her audience, but she knew she had to do it. Of course at the beginning, it must have felt like a huge risk. But she rented a hall in NYC and began to give weekly talks on a by-donation-basis....and went on the become one of the foremost spiritual speakers of our time.

In 1999, I had a similar experience. I was thirty three years old and although I had begun developing my own solo performance shows, I still wondered where it would take me in terms of the bigger picture in my life. Also, I had a 2 year old daughter and at the time was only performing a few times a year and assumed that I would mostly be a stay at home mom until my daughter entered kindergarten...Then one day, everything changed. My daughters father called me from a business trip and said that he wanted a divorce. No discussion. It was over.

After a few hours of sobbing hysterically, some of the emotion wore off and stone cold sobriety set in. I had no way to support myself and my daughter. What would I do for money? Because I had a theater background, had not worked a conventional job in 10 years, and lived in a small town in the middle of the country, it would have been easy to collapse entirely. And that night, I did. But on my way down, I called on my faith. I think my prayer was simply "Show Me, Please, please, please show me" before I fell asleep.

The next morning I awoke from a very vivid dream. I saw the words "The Cancer Monologues" floating over Lincoln Center in NYC..It was very clear to me that I was to offer autobiographical monologue workshops to people with cancer. Which I did. In the beginning I was so uninformed and naive about business that I didn't even try to follow a regular model...I just showed up at our local Cancer Center and said that I wanted to do this. A small grant of $2,000 from the city of Santa Fe, provided the seed money for these free workshops....10 people signed up to write with me to share their amazing, devastating, poignant, funny, loving, angry and hopeful stories of living with cancer to an audience of friends, family and community member who were laughing and crying all night right along with them. The theater was so filled with light that night that I felt that the building might lift itself right off it's foundation and float up into the heavens.

When the audience rose in a unanimous standing ovation and the monologue participants took their bow, I was shaking all over. I was crying uncontrollably again, but not from fear, or desperation. From love and the knowledge that I had clearly been given my path. It was a gift, one that I could have never dreamed up on my own. It continues to bring together what I love the most...theater, healing, transformation, deep intimacy, connection and new ways of looking at a situation. I've gone on to do this process with people with HIV, mental illness, new mothers, Veterans and more....The road has taken me on many scenic by-ways and continues to shift and evolve. In the past few years, I have been teaching the process to people from all over the world who are taking this work to their communities.

For me, the answers to my big questions come from the depth of my connection to a spiritual presence beyond myself. It has given me everything really, and a creative life that does support me and my daughter in our financial needs as well as giving me the great gift of having a greater purpose to follow in this world...The gift of creative service and deep, fulfilling personal expression.

There is a miracle waiting around the next corner for each one of us. If you are wondering what your purpose is, I encourage you to write daily and ask for answers. Ask for a dream, then be willing to receive the answer. Follow signs, energy and messages that resonate. Then be prepared to receive the greatest gift possible...your authentic life that cannot be found in any help wanted ad, but is already written on your own heart.

StoryHealing, Narcissism and the Ending the Victim/Perpetrator Paradigm.

StoryHealing, Narcissism and the Ending the Victim/Perpetrator Paradigm.

For the past 14 years or so, I have been at the forefront of an exploration of consciousness that has involved story writing and telling onstage and the effects this has on trauma, life challenges and the experience of illness.

What I have found in hundreds of workshops and monologue performances is probably what many other type of therapeutic and spiritual process's have identified. I have gotten to see it and feel it not in theory, but in practice. Here is my big revelation:

There are essentially two types of ways people experience their own stories. One way, the most common way, is through a lens of victimization and perpetration.  These people are attached to seeing themselves as special. Not one of the human race with the vast and infinite experience of all that is. Not one of the many who are dealing with the challenge of being alive and all that comes with it; loss, pain, health challenges, family trauma and the existential grief that accompanies the experience of being human. These people are stuck in the loop of their story that “I am a victim…my worst is worse than your worst. I am so special in my suffering, this happened to me and it is so bad and I did not deserve it”

And more challenging than this is that many of them turn around and one way or another use their suffering as a justification to act out on others with anger, rage or betrayal. The story goes “ I deserve it or I am entitled to this acting out because I have suffered”

Now here is the kicker to all of this. In my hundreds of workings with people and their traumas and their stories; it is almost more often than not, the people who have the more minor diagnosis or who have much greater financial resources or who have more opportunities to heal that are the ones stuck in the victim/perpetrator paradigm.

The people I have worked with who have suffered with the most extreme cancer diagnosis and are close to death, the homeless woman with her four children from Mexico, the veteran who has lost a child from his own exposure to depleted uranium. The ones with real “reason” according to worldly standards to bemoan their fate, offer clear and heartfelt stories that do not include feeling sorry for themselves. These are the people who stand up and take what life has offered them and find gratitude for whatever life gives them this day. Who truly offer wisdom and insight from the place of deep humanity and humility.

I have offered a space for many people to share their stories over the years, but these memorable resilient ones have been my teachers.

Years ago, I had the excellent fortune to sit with two guru type teachers who basically told me to get over myself. They said (or the way I heard them) was that service is the way to enlightenment. And that trust/faith coupled with a commitment to kindness is the only road to take towards happiness on this planet. Lastly, to know that yes, I am valuable. But not more (or less) valuable than any other person on earth. One of billions.  Showing up and living.That is all.

Wow; years later I see these teachings and lessons manifested in my work. And beyond it, I see it manifested on the planet.

I really no longer find the east coast neurotic brand of comedy that I grew up with funny. I am so over narcissism and it’s accompanying cleverness, whether it is offered by Woody Allen or Jerry Seinfeld. Over-indulgent “artists” who only work for their own right to “express” themselves are of no interest to me (truly, I lived with one). True artists who move beyond ego- based cleverness to a deep sharing from the Soul, whether pathos or comedic are of great interest and in deep service inspiring others.

As storytellers, healers or artists if our work is not done in the Spirit of service, what point is it? In the face of all that is happening on the planet, personally, I am so over narcissism. The world faces enormous challenges. Each of us faces enormous challenges. Honesty and authenticity are the way out of the loop. As are kindness and a well developed ability to set our own "limited" story aside to show up for others with good-will and a basic sense of caring.

Oh, and did I mention courage? Courage to let it go. Courage to make it not all about you. Courage to get over yourself and your triggers. At some point, don’t we just have to let them drop and say “enough”? Personally, I find people’s triggers, my own and others so boring. Jeez, show some strength of character. It is not all so damn precious.

I’ve led workshops where people’s legs have been blown off at the age of eighteen, where people in hospice are looking at how they will say good-bye to their Beloved daughter, where people live in places like Gaza which is essentially a dangerous, oppressed illegal holding tank for humans. A place where a young Palestinian girl just wants to be allowed to leave for college, a home, a normal life elsewhere but is forbidden.

You are I are blessed. If you are reading this, I know you and I know that you are blessed. You are American or Canadian or European. You have a computer. You have access to money and clean water. You have food and shelter. So, get over it. That is the real invitation. For all of us, myself included.

Stop indulging your story. Tell the truth. You are more than that victim story. You are free. You are freedom Herself.

I am so very grateful to those who rise above their own circumstances and triggers to show me a different perspective.

This week I moved into a new house with a second floor from which we can see the top of the trees. It was a great reminder that I cannot always see the bigger picture but if I can pause, I can get a view above the trees. Not on the ground running in small circles, limited in vision and scope.

Sometimes I just want to yell at the top of my lungs years something said to me years  ago by the teacher Gangaji “ Neither indulge your emotions nor deny them” Sometime I want to yell it to myself (and do!) and sometimes to others.

Think about that for a moment. Neither indulge nor deny. To me this is just meeting life on life’s terms allowing ourselves to be human and alive. Yes, we feel. But feeling is only the tip of the iceberg.

And the story is just a story and it too is always changing. That is the cycle of it all. And if you can go inside and check for one moment and find that you are bigger than your story, then the neurotic, damaging and unproductive narcissism fed to us by family and culture will recede into the background for good.

And then, you’ll have a real story to tell~

Looking for Purpose and Meaning in Your Professional Life? Become a StoryHealers Facilitator~

Looking for Purpose and Meaning in Your Professional Life? Become a StoryHealers Facilitator~

Twice per year, six folks came to Santa Fe from various parts of the country and world to participate in a StoryHealers Facilitator Training.

The purpose of these trainings is to learn to facilitate others who have experienced trauma, loss, grief, transition (in short...being human) in a mini-solo performance. In a 4 day workshop, people write a ten minute monologue based on what they most essentially want to express for the purpose of healing and transformation. This story is then performed onstage to a live audience of friends, community, family members and the public.

Here is a video showcasing bits of the monologue work over the years:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC2H9rPym8

And here are clips from some of the shows:

Mary in "The Cancer Monologues 3"

Linda in "Core Witness" about her visit to Iraq as a witness for woman and children

John in "Core Witness' about his experiences as a Veteran

Abby in Mothering: The Monologues about her experiences as a lesbian mom

If you are interested in offering this theatrical/healing process in your community, please get in touch with me about the next training. My e-mail is  Tanya@ProjectLifeStories.org I have offered this work publicly and successfully to the GLBT community, to people who have experienced cancer and HIV, Veterans, new mothers, fathers, hospice caregivers, people who have experienced homelessness and many more.

Here is a short introduction written in the StoryHealers International Facilitators Training Guide:

From me, the  founder of the Therapeutic Monologue Process:

This process is not mine. It was given to me, through me, by something greater than me. Alongside the birth of my child, it has been the greatest miracle in my life. To know ones purpose is a great gift and I do not take it lightly.

 I have been working at catching up to it for the last thirteen years. It came to me in a dream, after praying that my life’s purpose be revealed. It arrived complete with a vision and steps to take and I knew what do and how to implement it right from the start.

Oh, if only the journey had stayed so simple!  Over time, the process  has demanded that I look at every wound I had been carrying, every false belief, every trauma, every character flaw in myself and open to it’s healing.

The process has demanded that I become a person worthy of this process. That I learn how to walk in balance and integrity. I’ve had to learn to have clear boundaries and keep an open heart when my tendency would be to judge, take shortcuts or blame others.

Does this mean I am a perfect person now? Does this mean you will have to become one to facilitate the work effectively? Do we have to become  saints or bodhisattvas? Guru’s?

No, no and no some more! We can be human and imperfect while always striving to be a bit more compassionate, a bit of a better listener, a bit more creatively plugged into all of the Universe.

But this process, followed in earnest will teach you quite a bit about yourself. And the people who you work with will give you more in return than you can ever thank them for.

If I can ask one thing of you right from the start, above all remember this:

Stay in service to the people you are facilitating. Breathe often. Keep an open heart. Keep checking inside yourself to make sure you are present.

Because your presence is not only enough, it is actually everything. Be who you already are. Full presence, here to serve others in their authentic expression. If you can do this, everything else will fall into place.

I wish you all the very best that this creative and serving path can offer.

Tanya Taylor Rubinstein

The Difference Between Professional Solo Shows and StoryHealers Shows (Therapeutic Monologues)

Professional Solo Performance/ Therapeutic Monologue Shows.How They Compliment Each Other~

Since I first encountered my mentor when I was nine-teen, the late great Spalding Gray and saw one of his early his autobiographical monologue's thirty years ago, I have been on a quest to explore story. Particularly story in a theatrical setting.

Before that experience, I was on the path of a professional actor in training and indeed, that was my first love. But when I encountered the personal narrative monologue in Spalding's work, my deepest love shifted. The shift wasn't so much from "acting" to "storytelling" but from "artifice" to "intimacy"

The words "intimacy", "authenticity", "transparency" drove me as my life's mission. I think they were so important to me because I experienced so little of them, both in my family or origin and the suburban landscape outside DC while growing up. The desire to experience them led me to my discovery of theater in the first place and then, later to the art of monologues.

By committing to exploring this particular newly emerging art-form as my life's work, I have thought deeply about what makes this form work, what makes it fail and the differences in intentions and out-comes between a professional "show" for general public consumption and a monologue as a once in a lifetime type experience to convey a particularly painful/challenging or archetypal life-story to a supportive audience with the intention of transforming it.

While there are many differing thoughts on these experiences and differing opinions on the legitimacy of one type of show or another, I consider them both, not only valid, but essential to the evolution of theater and the healing of humanity.

Character Driven Full Length Solo Shows:

Many folks with a professional theatrical back ground only seem to embrace what they see as the highest elevation of the form with character driven shows that showcase the actors talent. Their are many great performers in this genre including Sarah Jones, Danny Hoch and most famously Anna Deveare Smith. This theater, in the hands of a masterful and accomplished artist makes a strong commentary on contemporary culture and social issues. This work is utilized best exploring social issues. I have directed a few shows in this arena, most notably Michelle Vest's show Solo Survivor's in which she showcased and embodied four un-documented Mexican and El Salvadoran's workers.

This show will is an opportunity for intimacy with the stories of the characters, not the performer who is a channel and in service to the characters she/he has created.


Solo Performance Memoir/Confessional Shows

The most essential thing to success in this form is a strong, specific and unique point of view and voice. This is what makes Spalding Gray, Spalding Gray. This is what makes Mike Daisey, Mike Daisey. Now both of these men had/have very different focus's in their work and Daisey's is much more of an activist's voice, but both were/are very developed and comfortable in their own point's of view.

I have directed many, many excellent solo shows in this form including Gray's "BURST", a very humble, funny and earnest look at bi-polar depression.

The range of topics of shows that have been written and performed in this form are numerous. If one desires to offer these shows at a festival, theater or conference it is essential to work with a sharp and critically minded director.

For, this form's greatest possibility is also it's greatest potential pit-fall. It can either be manifested as powerful vulnerability or deep and painful self-indulgence. And if one is presenting for a public audience, charging admission and offering oneself as an artist, one must really rise to the occasion and show up with a monologue that in some way becomes Universal and transcends the limitations of the ego. One must do this show with the audience in mind, not simply as a tool for self expression. Though the joy of course is in the self expression.

The issues presented in terms of content explored need to be in some way satisfactorily resolved for the performer in this context. It is a direct affront to a theater audience looking at a professional show to be asked to do this awareness work for the performer. Issues that are still processing for the performer need to be resolved before it is offered as art. End of story.

It takes skill, honing and technique to offer a show of value. It also takes consciousness and clarity of mind and heart. Not to be undertaken lightly.

Now these are basically the two types of artistic/professionally intended solo shows I have immersed myself in over the years. As a writer, performer, coach, director and producer by the way so I have really seen this from all angles.

Therapeutic Monologues:

For the past fifteen years I have been working with "regular people" who have experienced trauma, loss of illness to offer personal monologue shows focused on various topics. Cancer, HIV/AIDS, veterans etc. (You can watch numerous monologues from these shows on my youtube channel, Tanya Rubinstein)

Now the way these shows are structured are for six to eight people dealing with the same topic each share a ten minute monologue they have written in one of my StoryHealers workshops.

The intention is different here. For me, in the StoryHealers process, the audience is NOT the main concern and this is what turns the process on it'd head from an artistically or professionally based solo show. The most important thing is the participant's opportunity for empowerment, healing and transformation.

The key to success in this process: Be clear with the audience's expectations. And let them in on their role in the process.

If they think they are coming to see a professional show, they must experience creativity, originality, talent, expertise of some kind. But if you let them in that these are non-professionals sharing a once in a lifetime experience and that their witnessing is part of the healing, they will totally go with you.

Solo performance as an art-form and solo performance as a healing process are both 100% valid and important in my experience.

Just do not confuse which process you are doing and be clear with your audience to manage their expectations. This way, everyone wins.

Oh...and if you're doing a full solo show, do not forget to get an intelligent and experienced  director or these waters will surely muddy~